Whale Wars

I like to watch television. I really do. Not too much, don't have time to watch too much. Would if I could, so glad I can't. I am committed to the television thing. There are so many cool things to watch, from sports, music, funny shows, movies, boobs, and on and on. Some of the funniest things I (and you) have ever heard said have been on tv shows like Chappelle's Show, South Park, the Soup, and Jersey Shore. Say what you will about tv's effects on culture and society, but it has given us good stuff. March Madness is the best thing ever. Ever.

So, to balance it out, I like to watch dumb shit and shit that pisses me off to even it out. There are plenty of shows that just suck, and are fun to watch, like Real World Road Challenges Fresh Meat (the original one, mind you, not part II). Then there are the shows that piss me off. And there are fewer of those. I really have to make an emotional connection with something if I am going to take the time to get pissed off at it. With that, I have two words for you...

Whale Wars

I watch this show when I catch it on. I love it. I hate it. It is the worst shit ever on tv. At least it is, the way that it is presented. I watch these hippie morons in the middle of the sea try to stop this Japanese whaling fleet, using the most ridiculously stupid tactics you could imagine. I have seen better strategy in pine cone fights in South Jackson. Seriously.

There are two ships, and on each ship are like 20 something self-righteous neo-trust fund hippies, who think they are saving the world by trying to stop legal fisherman from doing their job, which is catch whales. It is legal for them to do so. But, not debasing their ideologies with logic or fact, the whale protectors see it as their duty to drive really big boats and try to get in the way of the whaling ships, in an effort to shut down the whaling industry. To save the whales. They call the whales their clients. I have heard a couple of them say that they would die for the whales.

Jesus.

It is these kinds of people that you get to watch fuck up for an hour every week on Whale Wars. It is fun to watch people fuck up. That is what humor is. The fact that you get to watch a multi-layered stereotype of a hippie fuck up, well, it just makes comic gold. Deep. Layered. Nuanced. It is intense, to say the least.

The funniest part about these kids are their tactics. For the most part, they try to simply keep up with the whaling fleet, in the hopes that they get in their way enough to make whaling not worth it, and thus wreck the season. Usually, they are nowhere near the fleet. Is it that hard to find a group of boats in the ocean? They even have a helicopter. Isn't there an app for that or something? I think I could find a boat in the digital age.

Anyway, even when they're just floating around looking, they fuck up. One ship ran out of oil. Ran out of oil. Really. I doubt any of those officious pricks have even had to get their own oil changes, rich fucks. So it almost makes sense. They have managed to, at various times in the season, wreck all of their small speed boats, rendering them no way off the ship. I keep watching this one Australian guy talk about boarding one of the Japanese ships. He always gets close, but pussies out. I think he finally makes it though.

When they do get to the boats, they do stuff like throw rotten vegetables and stink bombs at the whaling ships. The idea is that if the Japanese do catch whales, the hippies will make it impossible for them to process the whale, thus making the season a loss. And then the hippies win. That's fucking interesting. On this episode I am watching, they try to coat the ramp where the whalers load their catch with a chemical that makes the whale meat spoil, thus making the season a loss, blah blah.

So, let me get this straight, hippies: It is better for the planet that you burn millions of gallons of fuel (which a lot of people have to die for before it gets to you), in the middle of an ocean, while causing whalers to throw chemically tainted whale carcasses into the ocean, than it is for a few whales to die? I wish I could think with that kind of logic. My life would be so much easier. Holy shit.

This is just a taste of the pure stupidity of these sea-faring hippies.It goes on an on and nothing ever happens. And when it does, it is trivial and nonsensical and it is funny to watch the hippies get all geared up because they think they might see a whaling ship. The network uses 3 commercial breaks to signify to epic-ness of this event, and on the next episode, about half-way through, you find out that it was a boat that they saw! It is a treasure chest of funniness. I love when something is funny that isn't supposed to be . Like when the president's wife dies in Independence Day.

Today, I am watching, and it shows one of the hippie boats sailing alongside some killer whales, whales that the Japanese don't hunt. Guess what the killer whales eat? The whales that the hippies are out to save. That's right. Killer whales are actually the largest group of whale hunters in the world, and do in a day what the Japanese whalers do in 3 months. None of the hippies tried to attack the killer whales, and stop their path of murder. They aren't even committed to what they are doing. When you get into something like that, you have to fully commit to the premise. All or nothing. You would think that the hippies willing to sail around a freezing ocean to maybe save a few whales would be more committed. But no. They are a bunch of pussies.

But, I watch the show, so what does that make me?

BTW-I have no problem with hippies. I got some hippie in me that comes out every now and again. I used to be hardcore committed to my ideals. I got old, and that shit is tiring. I look like a hippie, especially at String Cheese Incident shows. So I am not opposed to the idea. But, these kids are a different breed. I might have not eaten meat and refused to wear Nikes, but I wasn't trying to be in the middle of nowhere trying to save some animal that is there simply for other animals to eat. That shit is dumb.

Now, I am 31 and I look good eating fried chicken in my Jordans. That's right.